Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Amy Bower's LiveJournal:

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Monday, April 17th, 2006
3:59 pm	Golf Joke A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf layout became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!" (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
8:22 pm	Job Description: Rectum Stretcher RECTUM STRETCHER While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Traffic Ticket $95.00, Court Costs. $45.00, The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Friday, March 17th, 2006
12:46 am	quote from The Wedding Date “The hardest thing is loving someone and then having the courage to let them love you back. But if you know her shit and she knows yours and at the end of the day you still would rather give up than try, nothing’s ever going to be worth it. Maybe think about it this way, you go back, and you spend the rest of your life having really good make-up sex.” -Nick from the movie "The Wedding Date" (Comment on this)
Monday, March 6th, 2006
6:01 pm	Male or Female A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer"should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that it should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. Current Mood: amused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
11:46 pm	Three Things Three things in life that, once gone, never come back - Time Words Opportunity Three things in life that may never be lost - Peace Hope Honesty Three things in life that are most valuable - Love Self-confidence Friends Three things in life that are never certain - Dreams Success Fortune Three things that make a man/woman - Hard work Sincerity Commitment Three things in life that can destroy a man/woman - Alcohol Pride Anger Three things that are truly constant - Father Son Holy Ghost (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
9:12 pm	Attorney Appreciation... Small-town lawyer Larry Rose had died without any survivors, so the townspeople took up a collection to bury him. When they came to rich, old, cantankerous Mr. Jones, they explained that they were burying attorney Rose and asked for a twenty-dollar donation. The elderly man wrote out a check for one-hundred dollars. “Here,” he said. “Bury five of the %$#@*(^!” Coaching his client, Ben, before putting him on the stand, the attorney was concerned about Ben’s penchant for putting his foot in his mouth. “Before you go up there,” said the lawyer, “there are two things you must steadfastly avoid.” “What are those?” asked Ben. The lawyer replied, “Nouns and verbs.” Q: What did Henry VIII say to his lawyer? A: Alimony? Hell, I’ve got a better idea…! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 10th, 2006
9:34 pm	The Notebook... Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. Allie: So what? Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out. Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt. Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
11:58 am	Proverbs "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
8:57 pm	It's been a while.... Haven't really journaled in here in a long time...it's storming outside, and I'm procrastinating studying for my finals...So, I was thinking and just felt like putting these lyrics in here for keepsake and memories of the good ol' times: Watch The Wind Blow By Creek goes rippling by I've been barefoot and all day with my baby Brown leaves have started falling Leading the way I like it best just like this Doing nothing all the way So let's lay down in the tall grass Dreaming away And all I wanna do is let it be and be with you And watch the wind blow by And all I wanna see is you and me go on forever Like the clear blue sky Slowly, there's only You and I And all I want to do is watch the wind blow by Girl, you know you told me not so long ago To let it come, then let it pass And all your troubles and your sorrows They won't last So let me kiss you now, little darling Beneath this autumn moon Cold winds, another season Will be here soon And all I wanna do is let it be and be with you And watch the wind blow by And all I wanna see is you and me go on forever Like the clear blue sky Slowly, there's only You and I And all I want to do is watch the wind blow by (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 1st, 2005
11:52 pm	Laffy Taffy Question: What can you tell a noisy plumber? Answer: Pipe Down! Question: What kind of fish tasted good with peanut butter? Answer: A jellyfish! (Comment on this)
Monday, October 17th, 2005
6:43 pm	Some Halloween-esque Laffy Taffy Jokes Question: What did the insurance agent tell Adam and Eve? Answer: I can see you're not covered. Question: What do you call a ghost dressed up for a ball? Answer: "Haunt-some" Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 13th, 2005
6:30 pm	hmm...ouch! The Following People Reported Being Hit by Various Items… Carlton Carrol, 5, was knocked unconscious in 1987 by a 250-pound spotted stingray that leapt from the water into his family’s fishing boat. Elmer Searle, 80, was knocked unconscious by a ‘flying dog’ that had been propelled through the air after being struck by a car in Sacramento, CA. Lui Wai-kwong, 36, was injured when hit on the head by a two-pound turtle while walking to work in Hong Kong. The turtle apparently fell from a nearby high-rise building. Fisherman Josaia Tusoba, 31, was severely wounded in his bout about 60 miles from Suva, Fiji, when a 3-foot long swordfish, apparently attracted by the sun reflecting on the boat leapt from the ocean and speared him deep in the chest. (Comment on this)
6:28 pm	some quotes “Childhood is a time for changes. Between the ages of twelve and seventeen, a parent can age thirty years!” --Sam Levenson-- “You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.” --Will Rogers-- “Gonads are great for their intended purpose. They are not a substitute for Brains!” --Paul Harvey Baseball is easier than golf. In baseball, you hit the ball and someone else chases it. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
6:57 pm	MASTERCARD WEDDING MASTERCARD WEDDING You gotta love this guy…this is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests….. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He wanted to especially thank the bride’s and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, “F--- you!” Then he turned to his bride and said, “F--- you!” Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, “I’m outta here.” He had the marriage annulled the first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge…making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s receptions in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has nuts the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard “priceless” commercial out of this: Elegant wedding reception for 300 family and friends……….$32,000 Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion…………$3,000 Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui……$8,500 The look on everyone’s face when they see the 8 x 10 glossy of the bride humping the best man…………………………………………………..Priceless. There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else, there’s MASTERCARD. (Comment on this)
6:54 pm	There was once a Tennessee football player who heard he was going to be a first-round draft pick. So he fled to Canada! A blonde from Tennessee once returned all her M&M’s claiming they were defective. They all had “W” on them! All along the Las Vegas strip, a man from Arkansas was running back and forth, putting dimes in parking meters. A curious bystander asked, “What are you doing?” The Arkansan replied, “I love this outdoor gambling!” A hillbilly walked into the room to find his brother hanging by his ankles. When asked what he was doing, the hick reported, “I’ve had it. I’m trying to commit suicide.” “You dope,” said his brother, “you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck, not your ankles!” “I tried that,” said the hick, “but I couldn’t breathe.” (Comment on this)
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
9:39 pm	Dumb Jokes There was a man from South Tennessee who lived right on the border of Alabama. One day surveyors came to his door and informed him that they had made a huge mistake years before, and that he now lived in North Alabama. “Oh, that’s great!” exclaimed the man. “I don’t think I could have taken another one of those frigid Tennessee winters!” Did you hear about the redneck who wanted to go to the country music concert? The tickets cost five dollars in advance and six dollars at the door…He decided it wasn’t worth the eleven-dollar admission. Neighbor #1: You really should pull your shades down, Bill. Last night I saw you kissing your wife. Neighbor #2: Oh yeah? The joke’s on you, Mike. I wasn’t even home last night! (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
9:17 pm	Lifesavers A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say: “Red……………cherry, Yellow………….lemon, Green……………lime, Orange…………..orange.” Finally, the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste. “Well,” he said, “I’ll give you all a clue; it’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.” One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled: “Oh my goodness!!! They’re assholes!” (Comment on this)
9:16 pm	More Funnies: Did you hear that since Christmas is over that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? It’s true…Comet cleans sinks! Quotes: “No man was ever so much deceived by another as by himself.” --Greville Lagniappe: Every Christmas I get sweaters that are supposed to fit me to a “T”. Trouble is, now I’m an “O”. (Comment on this)
7:30 pm	Laffy Taffy Jokes: Question: What did the ocean say to the shore? Answer: Nothing, it just waved. Question: Why did the duck cross the road? Answer: He didn't want to be called a chicken. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 1st, 2005
2:08 am	I feel like I'm being punished, but with no idea as to why Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)