Amy Bower

Golf Joke

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 20:59:57 GMT

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf layout became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
"I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

Job Description: Rectum Stretcher

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 02:22:50 GMT

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00, Court Costs. $45.00, The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

quote from The Wedding Date

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 06:46:08 GMT

“The hardest thing is loving someone and then having the courage to let them love you back. But if you know her shit and she knows yours and at the end of the day you still would rather give up than try, nothing’s ever going to be worth it. Maybe think about it this way, you go back, and you spend the rest of your life having really good make-up sex.”
-Nick from the movie "The Wedding Date"

Male or Female

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 00:01:34 GMT

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in

Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two

groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves

whether "computer"should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that it should definitely be of the

feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers

is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for

possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself

spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time

they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a

little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Three Things

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 05:46:18 GMT

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -
Time
Words
Opportunity

Three things in life that may never be lost -
Peace
Hope
Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable -
Love
Self-confidence
Friends

Three things in life that are never certain -
Dreams
Success
Fortune

Three things that make a man/woman -
Hard work
Sincerity
Commitment

Three things in life that can destroy a man/woman -
Alcohol
Pride
Anger

Three things that are truly constant -
Father
Son
Holy Ghost

Attorney Appreciation...

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 03:12:21 GMT

Small-town lawyer Larry Rose had died without any survivors, so the townspeople took up a collection to bury him.
When they came to rich, old, cantankerous Mr. Jones, they explained that they were burying attorney Rose and asked for a twenty-dollar donation.
The elderly man wrote out a check for one-hundred dollars. “Here,” he said. “Bury five of the %$#@*(^!”

Coaching his client, Ben, before putting him on the stand, the attorney was concerned about Ben’s penchant for putting his foot in his mouth.
“Before you go up there,” said the lawyer, “there are two things you must steadfastly avoid.”
“What are those?” asked Ben.
The lawyer replied, “Nouns and verbs.”

Q: What did Henry VIII say to his lawyer?
A: Alimony? Hell, I’ve got a better idea…!

The Notebook...

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 03:34:25 GMT

Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.

Allie: So what?

Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.

Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?

Proverbs

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 17:58:44 GMT

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5

It's been a while....

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 02:57:17 GMT

Haven't really journaled in here in a long time...it's storming outside, and I'm procrastinating studying for my finals...So, I was thinking and just felt like putting these lyrics in here for keepsake and memories of the good ol' times:

Watch The Wind Blow By

Creek goes rippling by
I've been barefoot and all day with my baby
Brown leaves have started falling
Leading the way

I like it best just like this
Doing nothing all the way
So let's lay down in the tall grass
Dreaming away

And all I wanna do is let it be and be with you
And watch the wind blow by
And all I wanna see is you and me go on forever
Like the clear blue sky
Slowly, there's only
You and I
And all I want to do is watch the wind blow by

Girl, you know you told me not so long ago
To let it come, then let it pass
And all your troubles and your sorrows
They won't last

So let me kiss you now, little darling
Beneath this autumn moon
Cold winds, another season
Will be here soon

And all I wanna do is let it be and be with you
And watch the wind blow by
And all I wanna see is you and me go on forever
Like the clear blue sky
Slowly, there's only
You and I
And all I want to do is watch the wind blow by

Some Halloween-esque Laffy Taffy Jokes

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 23:43:49 GMT

Question: What did the insurance agent tell Adam and Eve?

Answer: I can see you're not covered.

Question: What do you call a ghost dressed up for a ball?

Answer: "Haunt-some"

hmm...ouch!

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 23:30:31 GMT

The Following People Reported Being Hit by Various Items…

Carlton Carrol, 5, was knocked unconscious in 1987 by a 250-pound spotted stingray that leapt from the water into his family’s fishing boat.

Elmer Searle, 80, was knocked unconscious by a ‘flying dog’ that had been propelled through the air after being struck by a car in Sacramento, CA.

Lui Wai-kwong, 36, was injured when hit on the head by a two-pound turtle while walking to work in Hong Kong. The turtle apparently fell from a nearby high-rise building.

Fisherman Josaia Tusoba, 31, was severely wounded in his bout about 60 miles from Suva, Fiji, when a 3-foot long swordfish, apparently attracted by the sun reflecting on the boat leapt from the ocean and speared him deep in the chest.

some quotes

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 23:28:54 GMT

“Childhood is a time for changes. Between the ages of twelve and seventeen, a parent can age thirty years!”
--Sam Levenson--

“You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.”
--Will Rogers--

“Gonads are great for their intended purpose. They are not a substitute for Brains!”
--Paul Harvey

Baseball is easier than golf. In baseball, you hit the ball and someone else chases it.

MASTERCARD WEDDING

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 23:57:07 GMT

MASTERCARD WEDDING

You gotta love this guy…this is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests…..

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He wanted to especially thank the bride’s and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, “F--- you!”

Then he turned to his bride and said, “F--- you!”

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, “I’m outta here.” He had the marriage annulled the first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge…making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s receptions in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has nuts the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard “priceless” commercial out of this:

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family and friends……….$32,000

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion…………$3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui……$8,500

The look on everyone’s face when they see the 8 x 10 glossy of the bride humping the best man…………………………………………………..Priceless.

There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else, there’s MASTERCARD.

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 23:54:59 GMT

There was once a Tennessee football player who heard he was going to be a first-round draft pick.
So he fled to Canada!

A blonde from Tennessee once returned all her M&M’s claiming they were defective.
They all had “W” on them!

All along the Las Vegas strip, a man from Arkansas was running back and forth, putting dimes in parking meters. A curious bystander asked, “What are you doing?” The Arkansan replied, “I love this outdoor gambling!”

A hillbilly walked into the room to find his brother hanging by his ankles. When asked what he was doing, the hick reported, “I’ve had it. I’m trying to commit suicide.”
“You dope,” said his brother, “you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck, not your ankles!”
“I tried that,” said the hick, “but I couldn’t breathe.”

Dumb Jokes

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 02:39:35 GMT

There was a man from South Tennessee who lived right on the border of Alabama. One day surveyors came to his door and informed him that they had made a huge mistake years before, and that he now lived in North Alabama.

“Oh, that’s great!” exclaimed the man. “I don’t think I could have taken another one of those frigid Tennessee winters!”

Did you hear about the redneck who wanted to go to the country music concert?

The tickets cost five dollars in advance and six dollars at the door…He decided it wasn’t worth the eleven-dollar admission.

Neighbor #1: You really should pull your shades down, Bill. Last night I saw you kissing your wife.

Neighbor #2: Oh yeah? The joke’s on you, Mike. I wasn’t even home last night!

Lifesavers

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 02:17:48 GMT

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders,
using a bowl of lifesavers.

He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and
asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:
“Red……………cherry,
Yellow………….lemon,
Green……………lime,
Orange…………..orange.”

Finally, the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them
for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.

“Well,” he said, “I’ll give you all a clue; it’s what your mother may
sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:
“Oh my goodness!!! They’re assholes!”

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 02:16:45 GMT

More Funnies:
Did you hear that since Christmas is over that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?

It’s true…Comet cleans sinks!

Quotes:
“No man was ever so much deceived by another as by himself.”
--Greville

Lagniappe:
Every Christmas I get sweaters that are supposed to fit me to a “T”. Trouble is, now I’m an “O”.

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 00:30:11 GMT

Laffy Taffy Jokes:

Question: What did the ocean say to the shore?
Answer: Nothing, it just waved.

Question: Why did the duck cross the road?
Answer: He didn't want to be called a chicken.

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 07:08:18 GMT

I feel like I'm being punished, but with no idea as to why

Marriage

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 02:57:34 GMT

PART I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you
give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......whether you're here or
not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************

Part II

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************

Part III

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a
second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************

Part IV

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
atthe top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************

Part V

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,

he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning
business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left
it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper
said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece.

"Friends are God's Way of Taking Care of US"

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 02:37:46 GMT

This was written by a Hospice of Metro Denver physician:

I just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and wanted to share it with my family and dearest friends:

I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die - I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over.

Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay. When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel.

At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying "I don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now.

So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me."

I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids in the car who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little. She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City. Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet.

She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there. So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there.

I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?" This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people." It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle.

And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.

Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the flutter of their wings... Psalms 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 02:21:42 GMT

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

What children think...

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 02:17:20 GMT

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said! : "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. ! He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Husbands and Wives

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 02:05:51 GMT

A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me, God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use in a day…30,000 to man’s 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.” The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

12 inches

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 02:04:20 GMT

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

“Where on earth did you get that???” asked the surprised bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him: “I will grant you one wish – just one.”

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another duck soon following it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says: “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The man replies: “Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”